All my life I was told do this, don’t do that, be this, don’t be that. Wear this, don’t wear that. You are too fat, short, pale to wear that. Your hair is too short, long, curly, straight. My favorite was don’t be different. The list goes on and on.
Everyone has an opinion about you and what you should be doing. You hear these things day in and day out going through life. But what does your heart say? Who are you? What do you like? What makes you tick?
Until recently I couldn’t tell you what made me tick. I was bogged down by past memories and events of people telling me who I am and what I was. I kept saying is that really me, I guess so. I could never see the forest through the trees.
I got married at a young age. I never experienced life alone until I got older. My ex husband was very abusive. Everything was done for him on his terms. I was to do what he wanted when he wanted. I was not allowed to be friends with certain people. I had to wear what he wanted when he wanted. I had to have my hair a certain color or cut. Ten years of hell. (I’ll save that for a different blog) I never realized how bad it was until I was finally able to break free.
I moved to Utah. And boy let me tell you it was a culture shock for me. Here I am finally able to be me, free, happy and then whamo…..If you didn’t attend your local Mormon Church you were shunned. It was very cliquey. At my place of employment the girl I was replacing at the job needed a ride home so I told her I would do it. Sure, no problem, I’m new, could use a friend, even though she was moving on I thought go for it.
So I dropped her off at her place. Next day I came into work and was called into the office by my boss. My coworker complained I listened to inappropriate music in my car. So my boss reprimanded me and said that I must be more careful because those kinda of things could get me fired. Really?!?!?!? I had to think back. What was I listening to….it was MADONNA for crying out loud. In MY car on my OWN time. That is when I started to hide, and hide, and hide.
I realized I could only be me, all of me around certain people and I had to vet them, heavily vet them before I let them in. I built brick walls. I would test the waters, let a joke slip see how they respond. I would get comfortable and then wham, it would be used against me and the wall would go back up. So much wasted time, energy and emotion.
I don't know what happened but lately there has been a shift in my core. The bricks are crumbling one by one and there is a great big field of opportunity. I realized I have been blocking myself with all this inner turmoil and everyone’s perceptions of me. So there I was standing in the center of the field looking back at me going duh.
I am slowly getting myself back, the goofy, singing, dancing, happy me. The side that sees the beauty and not the constant cynicism. I am no longer afraid to put myself out there. I am opening up more and more and I don’t care who sees it. I am taking chances and investing in myself.
I am beautiful. I am goofy. I enjoy dark comedies, musicals, comedies, concerts, art. I love music and dancing. I am funny. I am witty and sarcastic. I am a great wife, mom and friend. I have a big heart and I love to give back and make others happy. This is me. Never be afraid to be you.
This was my reason why I started The Curved Edge with Cheryl. I want to help women break through and see their beauty. I want every person out there to learn to be their own beautiful!
Never be afraid to be yourself. Who cares what other people think? As long as you’re happy that is what matters.
Until next time…Be your own beautiful!
Love to all!